Full of bologna

Full of bologna

The sandwich can tell us a lot about a person. For instance, in its earliest days, the sandwich said something like “you’re a compulsive gambler who’s caught a hot streak.” But since those days, it’s grown into a symbol of the workaday laborer, a mark of a nation on the move along its interstate system, a coin of the commoditization of meals…it has evolved into something called a “wrap,” which, obviously, is not a sandwich at all but archetypical bastard. Sandwiches are ever-present, from low-end food joints that advertise with a single word along a long-forgotten highway (“EAT”) to a vessel for foodie delights. Whatever your choice, though, your sandwich speaks loud and clear to what and who the eater is, where he comes from and whom he desires to be.

Grilled PB & J
Blue Moon Diner, $2.95


Blue Moon Diner’s Grilled PB & J

Though you haven’t yet moved out of your parents’ house, you have, however, learned to light the stove. Good for you. Now it’s onwards and upwards, sandwich-wise. For you, the difference between lunch and dinner obviously lies in the use of a skillet, and not much else. Soon you’ll be on your way to true haute cuisine—that is, toasting your Pop Tarts.

Smoked Turkey Rollup
Zazus, $5.49


Zazus’ Smoked Turkey Rollup

This is not a sandwich, which means by this standard you are not a person.

Crab Melt
Carving Board Café, $5.75


Carving Board Café’s Crab Melt

So, you’ve recently taken a step up the “melt” ladder, a status level above tuna. Congratulations. You’re probably comfortable occupying the space between “diner” and “bistro,” which will probably soon be branded as its own market segment called “distro” or “biner” or some other dumb name. And you’re not from Maryland, because a crab bore does not order the pricey little crustaceans in the middle of the mountains. So you’re spicing it up a bit with the crab, but the melt gives away the fact that cloth napkins still make you nervous.

Mediterranean Cheese Steak
Basil Mediterranean Bistro, $6.25


Basic Mediterranean Bistro’s Mediterranean Cheese Steak

You’re a little bit Philly, a little bit Lebanon. That said, you’ve probably been shot at more than once. Your sandwich tells the room that you’re comfortable around $6.00 coffee drinks, but you’ve probably had your hands wrapped around a baseball bat a time or two. And you don’t play baseball, if you catch our drift. This is a sandwich that commands respect, regardless of frilly toothpicks.

The Godfather
Pacino’s, $6.75


Pacino’s The Godfather

Please. You don’t have to prove that you’ve memorized all three movies. We believe you. And despite what you may think, doing the wedding-day scene with a mouthful of salami does not get you any closer to sounding like Brando.

Panettone “Monte Cristo”
Bistro at Boar’s Head, $12


Bistro at Boar’s Head’s Panettone "Monte Cristo"

Rumor has it that this sandwich will live up to its namesake and disappear from the menu soon. Regardless, you know when the sandwiches are priced on the dollar, you’re dealing with a patrician. While munching on this combination of ham, turkey and three-berry jam, you can probably tell us down to the year and vineyard what wine goes with such a meal. And you’d be right. From your golf tan down to your skinny legs, you’re a man or woman of leisure through and through. That is, if you’re eating this on a weekday. If you’re not, you’re probably at brunch, most likely hung over, and you ordered this because it came with fries.


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