C-VILLE Kids! Unsolicited advice

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People say the darndest things—especially once you have kids. We asked three local bloggers to give us their list of the quips they hate to hear. May you never utter these words.

The pregnant lady:

5. “You’re so small/big/low/high for that many weeks!” I’m not telling you how large you are for your age, so let’s just say you tell me how perfect I look and move forward. Deal?

4. When a woman announces that she’s pregnant, please don’t ask her, “You know how to keep that from happening, right?” Yes, I do know how to keep that from happening. Also, you’re not funny.

3. “You should (or shouldn’t) wait to find out the gender.” Oh, I didn’t realize that this was your baby! By all means, any other personal decisions you’d like to make for me?

2. “You’re eating for two!” Actually, I’m eating for one and a sixteenth…maybe an eighth.

1. “Breast is best!” Please don’t make rhymes out of what I should do with my mammary glands.—Brett Baker, brettbattenbaker.blogspot.com

The mother of a toddler:

5. “I wonder if she’d still act like that if you took her off gluten.” I wonder if you’d still act like that if I gave you a knuckle sandwich—wait, is there gluten in that?

4. “The reason my toddler can tie her shoes already is because I spend a lot of time with her.” And to think all this time I’d been locking mine in a box!

3. “Looks like your daughter is digging for gold again!” That’s because we teach our little champion to go for it with everything she tries!

2. “You look exhausted.” That’s ’cause I am. Can you empty the Diaper Genie for me?

1. “I know I don’t have kids, but you let too many little things about parenthood stress you out. Just chill!” Aaaaaaand, you have no idea what you’re talking about.—Jessie Knadler, rurallyscrewed.com

The mother of teenagers:

5. “Just wait until she starts dating.” I’m not too worried about my daughter becoming Courtney Stodden 2.0, but thanks for your concern.

4. “You’re letting her wear that?” Yes, yes I am. And I took photos of her before she left the house.

3. “She’s so like you.” That’s a compliment, right?

2. “Teaching teens to drive is so horrible.” If you go into it with a negative attitude, it’s going to suck for both you and your child. All the same, I’m outsourcing this task to a professional—something I wish I could have done with potty training.

1. “Enjoy this time while you can. Before you know it, they’ll be in college.” La, la, la, la, la, la. I can’t hear you.—Jennifer McDonald, jenontheedge.com

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