As we ease into this year’s post-primary, pre-election lull, we can’t help but gaze back at the first half of this eventful year. And as we do, we’re struck by all of the curious and outrageous news items that we somehow failed to cover the first time around.
So, as a public service to Virginia’s vast reservoir of political junkies, we hereby present some of the more absurd items in our very favorite format: the multiple-choice quiz! But as always, please note—the number of correct answers you select represents one less unit of precious, Vitamin D-imparting sunlight you could have been absorbing. Just sayin’!
1. When Gov. Bob McDonnell selected Virginia businessman Fred Malek to chair his government reform commission, critics pointed out that Malek had once performed a controversial duty for a previous president. What was it?
a. He was Richard Nixon’s “Jew Counter”
b. He was Jimmy Carter’s “Peanut Procurer”
c. He was Ronald Reagan’s “Contra Concubine”
d. He was Bill Clinton’s “Bimbo Concierge”
2. In May, Virginia Senate Majority Leader Dick Saslaw was surprised to discover what unauthorized purchase on his credit card?
a. Six hours of “polling consultation” with Ashley Dupre, billed to “Client No. 10”
b. A dozen tubes of “Burnt Orange Tanning Spackle,” delivered to House Minority Leader John Boehner’s office
c. $225 worth of medical marijuana
d. Tareq Salahi’s family winery
3. Former state Senator Jay O’Brien abandoned his Senate campaign after he was caught on camera doing what?
a. Shoplifting women’s underwear
b. Smoking crack cocaine with Marion Berry
c. Performing a spirited version of “Carry Me Back to Old Virginny” in blackface
d. Stealing his opponent’s campaign literature from a local general store
4. When informed that he had mistakenly included the address of Congressman Tom Perriello’s brother, who has four children under the age of eight, in a threatening post on his blog, how did Tea Party member Mike Troxel respond?
a. “Oh well, collateral damage.”
b. “I have no reason to believe it’s not his house.”
c. “I was a journalism major in college, so I have every reason to believe my research is accurate.”
d. All of the above
5. Before he was revealed to be one of the most delusional political charlatans of all time, presidential aspirant John Edwards wanted something special from Charlottesville’s own Dave Matthews. What was it?
a. A personal tour of Blenheim Vineyards, complete with special “body shot” wine tastings
b. An “incredibly groovy” campaign theme song
c. To have the Dave Matthews Band perform at the rooftop wedding of Edwards and his then-pregnant mistress Rielle Hunter
d. Vocal lessons to help improve Edwards’ nasal tonal range
6. During February’s massive snowstorms, the Republican Party of Virginia put out a video mocking the entire concept of climate change. What was its title?
a. “Frosty the Snowjob”
b. “12 inches of Global Warming”
c. “The Cold, Hard Facts”
d. “Al Gore is a Big Fat Idiot”
7. Organizers of the recent gay-fabulous Capital Pride Festival set up a lifesize cardboard cutout of Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli and encouraged attendees to kiss it. What was this event called?
a. “Grin and Bear It”
b. “Mmm, Tastes Like Chicken”
c. “Smooches for Cooch”
d. “In Your Heart, You Know He’s Right”
8. In his recent book, What Washington Can Learn from the World of Sports, former Governor George Allen inexplicably brands his side with the name of what wholly inappropriate American film?
a. Red Dawn
b. Mean Girls
c. Deep Throat
d. Team America