Be glad Virginia doesn’t…


Virginia: the scorecard
From cost of living to number of strip clubs—how our state ranks with the other 49

In case you’re starting to think that 28th in tornado fatalities is just too high for you, consider the following other things that you don’t have to worry about in Virginia. We promise you’ll fly your state flag higher and sing “Carry Me Back to Old Virginny” a little louder knowing Virginia doesn’t…

1. Border Canada

Think of all those Canucks pouring into New York and Pennsylvania and Michigan and Montana, taking all of the high-paying, white-collar jobs from the English-speaking citizens, confusing everyone with their “eh” this and “eh” that and trying to get the locals to watch hockey. It’s a real problem, people. Thank your lucky stars we’re well below the Mason-Dixon line.

2. Put its trash in other people’s landfills

We deal with our own garbage and some other states’ too, thank you very much.

3. Prohibit the sale of beer and wine in grocery stores   

Good grief, it’s bad enough you have to go to Whole Foods for part of your list, the City Market for another, CVS for some toiletries and Kroger for your processed foods, can you imagine also having to schlep to the state liquor store for your wine and then to a “licensed beer distributor” for beer? That’s what Pennsylvanians have to do.

4. Allow kids to get thrown around in their cars

When we were kids, we rode footloose and fancy-free in the back of the hatchback, with nary a seatbelt to tie us down. But our parents were stupid. By now, we all know that children as old as 8 need to be in a booster seat to protect their little bodies from serious impact in a crash. Well, most of us know. Apparently, Arizona, Alaska, Mississippi, Ohio, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas and don’t. None of those states has a booster seat law.

5. Harbor the brown recluse spider

Be very afraid if you visit Arkansas, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma or Texas. That’s where this poisonous spider hides out in dark corners just waiting for you to put on a pair of shoes you haven’t worn in three years or roll over in bed on it and (eek!) surprise the hell out of it. That’s when this eight-legged menace takes a bite and releases its toxic venom. Symptoms range from nasty lesions to organ damage in severe cases!

Smile, you’re in California: Could Virginians deal with a governor who was a former action- movie actor, like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

6. Have a closet homosexual, adulterer, prostitute-ring client or former action-movie actor for a governor

Virginia isn’t the butt of any lame jokes regarding the governor’s office, at least not at the moment.

7. Allow the taking home and eating of road kill

Come on, West Virginia. Were there not enough jokes about your lack of teeth and abundance of incest for your marketing department to deal with?

8. Prohibit cell phone use while driving

Perhaps we owe the “best state for business” ranking to this insightful lack of prohibition. If we didn’t conduct “business” in our cars, how the hell would we get anything done? We predict the productivity of California, Connecticut, New Jersey, New York and Washington plummets now that their legislature has passed this prohibition. While their citizens have both hands on the wheel, we’re going to be chattin’ it up and making deals en route to kicking some serious business butt.