Q: Dear Ace, I heard somewhere that the average Albemarle County school day is 20 minutes shorter than the most other schools in the state. That adds up over time to a crime! Can we really spare those precious minutes?—Charlie Frown A: Well, dear Charlie, do not believe everything you hear. Ace, for one, has […]
Cheap Shots ’04
Every year at about this time, we take a special look back at the news that was. And yes, we’re looking for the gaffes, the missteps, the you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me’s. Thankfully, 2004 was rich in them, mostly because public officials did so much to promote fear and divisiveness. And that was just the Sheriff’s office! Media organizations […]
Milling about
—Probing Pedestrian, Esquire A: Well, good Pedestrian, thou shalt probe no further. Ace appreciates any and all queries whose answering involves throwing on a hardhat and getting his hands dirty in the line of investigative duty. David “Scar” Hodo was, after all, Ace’s favorite member of the Village People. No construction man has ever […]
Dial tones
Dear Ace, What’s this I hear about my cell phone number getting released to telemarketers?—Chatty Cathy Well, Chatty, if you thought when you purchased your handy-dandy cellular telephone-o that you were safe from the grasp of telemarketers everywhere, think again. Looks like those peaceful, uninterrupted nights around the family dinner table are to be no […]
’04 Score
Dylan sang that the times they were a-changin’. Bowie said to turn and face the ch-ch-changes. And in 2004, all that change really hit home for Charlottesville’s music fans. The year witnessed the fading out of some of the city’s most cherished traditions, whether grooving to Jimmy O at Fridays After 5, listening to locally […]
Stretching it
—Pynt Syzed A: Well, Mr. Syzed, first of all, Ace wants to know what crazy eastern European country you crawled out of, and as for your question, Pynt, “Anatomically correct?” Ace colors at the thought! Composure regained, Ace put in a few calls to the friendly folks at Monticello and Montpelier, and confirmed that something […]
We got next!
The question comes from a cherubic young face, blue eyes framed with neat blonde hair, a boy wearing a basketball jersey four sizes too big for his preteen frame. “Can you ball on me?” replies White Chocolate, a.k.a. 26-year-old Randy Gill, slouching behind a folding table set up near Santa in Fashion Square Mall, outside […]
In search of a hoppy ending
On November 9, 1620, the Mayflower bobbed in choppy brine off the Cape Cod coast. On board were 101 puke-green Puritans, seasick and starving after an Atlantic crossing that had taken more than two months. Although they’d hoped to land further south, on the more temperate beaches of Virginia, the passengers and crew soon decided […]
Dolley dearest
—Rude Thaw A: Well, Mr. Thaw, news of Mrs. Madison’s entertainment talents is news to Ace who, until today’s research proved otherwise, thought that Dolley Madison and Betsy Ross were the same person. Personally, Ace’s favorite dead Dolly is that sheep clone from Scotland, whose entire life’s advice regarding everything from entertaining to kilts can […]
Untrained Melody
Perched on a wooden stool by the front door and holding a microphone with one hand, Conley Jones belts out “Better Man” to a tinny, digitized arrangement with angst enough to make Eddie Vedder proud. With his free hand, he casually checks IDs as those in search of Baja Bean’s Tuesday night special—$3 margaritas and […]
The plane truth
—Fli-Curious A: Well, Fli, though practically Lilliputian in physical dimension, the Charlottesville-Albemarle Airport is hardly a stagnant, small airfield. Total passenger traffic this year had reached 301,122 as of November 19, an increase of 13.7 percent compared to the same period last year. So you’d be wise to wear your steel-toed shoes when braving […]
All in the family
—Scared Shifflett A: Well ’fraidy cat, Ace delved into the annals of Virginia Colonial history seeking answers to your query. But before Ace regurgitates his research findings, yours truly, being a well-integrated member of Charlottesville’s social circle and acquaintance of many a Shifflett, can tell you that the names Shifflett, Shiflett, Shifflette, can I […]
Sleeping with the enemy
Anise Labrum was 20 years old and living in Los Angeles not long before the 2000 presidential election. She had been seeing her boyfriend for about a year. Back then, Labrum, a fashion stylist, loosely considered herself a Democrat. Her sweetheart, on the other hand, was a Republican. They knew they differed on politics, but […]
The moral minority
—Faith Chill A: Ace advises you to have faith, Faith. Most of the ministers who signed the quarter-page ad are retired clergy, so they were not breaking any congregational rules and they weren’t speaking for anyone but themselves. The one exception, Rev. David Takahashi Morris, who leads the Thomas Jefferson Memorial Church-Unitarian Universalist, is allowed […]
The green scene
Here in Charlottesville, where architects seemingly outnumber traffic lights, the concept of building “green”—or environmentally friendly—homes, schools and city buildings is an idea whose time has come. Whether you chalk it up to rising electricity prices or greater public awareness of the toxic chemicals in traditional building materials, there’s no denying that the trend of […]
For unlawful cable knowledge
—Mother Ducker A: Well, Mother Ducker, first and foremost: Comcast cable? Excuse Ace’s ignorance, but Ace thought Adelphia was King Cable in Charlottesville. Confused, Ace poked around the business listings in the phone book and the “coms” went as follows: Comair, Comberg, Combs, Comdial. Ace then made some inquiries at Adelphia. No Comcast competition ‘round […]
Electoral knowledge
—Donald Bumsfelt A: Well, Mr. Bumsfelt, Ace, like you, has developed a true fondness over the past year of Campaign Reeject Bush for the project’s 38-year-old mastermind, who was first profiled in the pages of C-VILLE in the beginning of May. But sadly, after November 2, Schrader decamps from campaign headquarters (a table outside of […]
How to act like a man
In the roughly 25 years since his death at age 50, Steve McQueen has enjoyed a vibrant afterlife in the American pop consciousness. Including memoirs by two ex-wives, biographical treatments have come out at a pace of at least one every three years. Remakes of his movies—Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger’s turn at The Getaway […]
Track meet
Fans of “The Simpsons” might remember that classic fourth-season episode, “Marge versus the Monorail,” in which a smooth-talking stranger convinces the animated folks of Springfield to build an electric monorail. The cartoon huckster absconds with the town’s money moments before the shoddy contraption goes haywire, to hilarious results. I thought of the episode when I […]
Green acres
—Sierra Clubbed A: Ah, Sierra. Ace, proud American that he is, adheres to popular national slogans such as “bigger is better,” “richer is better” and “thinner is better.” Thus, had higher-ups in the office not challenged Ace’s wisdom, Ace would just have soon assumed that “greener is better” too. As with all mortals, assumptions make […]
Wal-Mart’s everyday low wages
When Melissa Howard joined the Wal-Mart store in New Castle, Indiana, in 1992, she received a blue vest, a red, white and blue nametag, six bucks an hour, and the title of “electronics department manager.” Howard hoped to climb the corporate ladder, accept greater responsibility and take home a fatter paycheck. So she worked diligently […]
Man on a mission
Charlottesville Police Chief Timothy Longo Sr. is no slave overseer. But he knows the specter of the slave patrol colors the way some people see police officers. In early September, Longo addressed about 15 people attending this fall’s Citizens Police Academy. The annual 10-session class trains neighborhood residents in the basics of police work. In […]
Substandards of learning
—Wyclef Pawn A: Well, Wyclef, as we all know, this little old One-Nation-Under-God is doing its damndest to make sure that no Miss Nelson is missing and every little Mohammad and Jesus can “See Spot run.” And, if you’ve noticed our fresh-off-the-boat Somali Bantu refugees wandering down Preston looking a little dazed and confused, then […]