Atkins



Elway on the move?

Dear Ace: I just heard from a friend of a guy who my sister used
to date that legendary Broncos QB John Elway has bought a
house in Advance Mills and is moving to Charlottesville. Can
this possibly be true? —Buck N. Bronco

Swedish invasion

Dear Crank: Tell me about it! It seems that everywhere that Ace goes, there’s a boxy, earth-toned Scandinavian baby wagon blocking his path. Unfortunately, due to ongoing court proceedings, Ace is not at liberty to reveal the exact make and model of the Acemobile—but you can rest assured that it is nothing as safe, staid and boring as a Volvo. (Nor does it do Volvo-esque things such as start consistently, or reach speeds in excess of 50 mph). But, for whatever reason, it does seem that Charlottesvillians love their Volvos, and it’s not a trend that looks likely to end any time soon.

Way overdue

Dear Paige: Unfortunately, your timing could not be less perfect. The Jefferson-Madison Regional Library did indeed sponsor an amnesty week for massively delinquent borrowers—unfortunately for you, it ran from April 2 to April 8, so it\’s now nothing but a memory.

Stamped out

Dear Ace: How do the Downtown parking stamps work? Why do some businesses readily stamp the ticket you get when you enter one of our garages or lots and some do not? What gives? —Country Mouse in the City Dear Mouse: Firstly, I must commend you on learning to drive a car, what with your […]

ABC ya!

Dear Ace: I went to South Street Brewery for my usual Tuesday night of $2.50 drafts, only to be handed a slip of paper at the door explaining that such low, low prices could not be offered past 9pm, per ABC laws. Is this true? If so, how’d SS get away with it for so long? Or […]

Terminal curiosity

Dear Ace: Most every airport I’ve been to makes you go through security before you can sit at the bar or buy a magazine. How come Charlottesville-Albemarle Airport puts the convenience store before security?—Lee Vin Tomorrow Dear Lee: Thanks for the great question! That’s what we love: truly inspirational source material. Finally, a chance to […]

Stamped out

Dear Ace, I went to the 11th Street post office that’s near my house the other day to mail my boyfriend a mix CD as proof of my undying love and affection. However, when I got there the doors were locked, the lights were out, and the place looked empty. I was there well within […]

Green day

Dear Ace, St. Patrick’s Day is Friday and I’m on the hunt for some green beer. Where’s it at?—Seamus O’Drinkerson Hate to be the lead in your pot o’ gold, Seamus, but St. Patrick’s Day wasn’t always the celebration of drunkenness it is today. In Ireland it’s a day of reverence for patron Saint Patrick, […]

Something to talk about

Dear Ace: What’s all this I hear about a new call-in radio show for local newshounds?—Runov Atdamouf Runov: Finally, Charlottesville has something it lacked for as long as Ace can remember: a community sounding board for all of our fair city’s most frustrated, angry and outspoken laymen. What’s that? Oh, it’s just Ace’s editor reminding […]

Field of schemes

Dear Ace, When the D.C. Council rejected a potential lease for a new baseball stadium in the capital, Virginia seemed poised to scoop up the Nationals. Hours later the council overturned its decision, and goodbye Major League Baseball in Virginia. Is all hope lost for big league ballgames in the Commonwealth?—Homer Hungry Let Ace put […]

Soles stirring

Dear Ace: What is the big deal about the Charlottesville Ten Miler, anyway? I’ve lived in lots of places where there have been many races for runners, but you get the feeling around here that the Ten Miler is the World’s Only Race! Please explain.—Lace Yursneeks Lace: The first thing Ace needs to do is […]

All you can cheap

Dear Ace: At a buffet the waitperson only brings beverages and takes away the plates. Is a 20 percent tip recommended or do you leave less at a buffet?—Phoebe Buffet Dear Phoebe: Here at C-VILLE the tipping wars have definitely been a topic of conversation. Any conscientious Rant observer will remember the battle that continued […]

Got a match?

Yo Ace, Whatever happened to Yente the Matchmaker? I’m tired of the bar scene, personal ads don’t work, and now I’m the president of the Lonely Hearts Club. Where’s a matchmaker when you need one? Doesn’t anyone understand?—Anna Tevka Anna: Ace had always assumed that all of you out there in reader land understood Ace’s […]

The long and winding road

Ace: Jefferson Park Avenue maintains the same name even though it makes two sharp turns to the left. Can you help decipher why JPA runs as it does?—Street Cred Cred, confusing street maps have long been a contentious issue for Ace, who has often found himself lost when trailing a case down Main Street, which […]

Bombs away

Ace: I was tooling around on Water Street the other day when I noticed a sign for a fallout shelter on the back of the Bank of America building. What’s up with that? Part of our homeland security strategy?—Ducken Cover Ducken: Wait, we have a homeland security strategy? Ace thought the government was just engaged […]

Eye cannondy

Hey Ace: What, in your opinion, transpired to make patrons of the Court Square Tavern the focus of the cannon in front of the courthouse? Don’t mean to stir up any trouble, but it does seem to be rather odd that a Southern city would have its courthouse cannon facing south. Is there something we […]

Finding Nirvana

Dear Ace: Soon after I moved to Charlottesville in 1988 or ’89 I went to eat at an Indian restaurant on the Downtown Mall called Nirvana. I am having a debate with a friend about the location. We both remember that it was in a basement. I clearly remember it being under the Jefferson Theater. […]

Resolution revolution

As it’s only the first week of January, Turnopher, Ace’s resolve remains with him, firm as Clark Kent’s handshake. The real question is, Where will it go?  Ace has little in common with his fellow man, but sadly one of the few qualities he shares with the average schlub is an inability to stick to […]

Further notes on Trey

Dear Ace: Are you whack? What was all that crap last week about Dave Matthews and Trey Anastasio and Red Light? Every-body knows that Phish broke up because the band had lost its scales…—Sumthin’ Smelz Phunnie Let us take your questions in order, Smelz, as Ace is a rational fellow and likes nothing so much […]

Herb appeal

Dear Ace: I heard Virginia has a new No. 1 cash crop. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned Jamestown tobacky?—Mary Jane Noes Dear Mary: Ace knows Virginians love tradition, especially in Mr. Jefferson’s neighborhood. But tobacco, the mainstay crop of the Commonwealth since the 1600s, has been steadily declining and this year a new top crop […]

Wheeling and dealing

Hey Ace,Where do these people get off charging me taxes for my car? What’s the big idea?—Axl Rhodes Dear Axl: So, here in America, we pay taxes. It’s part of this little deal we have with the government where we give them some money and they give us free enterprise, private property rights and other […]

Shades of faith

Dear Ace: Effort Baptist Church in Fluvanna County has just painted their chapel bright purple with green trim. Is anyone in the neighborhood as upset as I am? Why did they do it?—Blinded By the Light Dear Blinded: This is not the first time Ace has dealt with a bad paint job. Ace’s neighbor once […]

The wiz of biz

Dear Ace: I hear Darden is 50 years old. Who the heck was Darden anyway?—M.B., Eh? Dear M.B.: The Darden Graduate School of Business at UVA is indeed celebrating the half-century mark in much the same manner that Ace celebrated his 21st birthday: with two years of festivities taking place in more than 50 cities […]

Nice ink

Dear Ace: I was walking through the neighborhoods near Martha Jefferson Hospital, and I found a graveyard. What’s up with that?—Morbidly Confused Dear Confused: The final resting place you refer to is Maplewood Cemetery. Officially established in 1827, it is Charlottesville’s oldest public cemetery, 3.6 acres of irregularly scattered gravesites and stones without any formal […]

Grave concerns

Dear Ace: I was walking through the neighborhoods near Martha Jefferson Hospital, and I found a graveyard. What’s up with that?—Morbidly Confused Dear Confused: The final resting place you refer to is Maplewood Cemetery. Officially established in 1827, it is Charlottesville’s oldest public cemetery, 3.6 acres of irregularly scattered gravesites and stones without any formal […]