Atkins



Webster’s linktionary

—Mid L. Rhode A: Well, color me red-white-and-blue, Mid, this is news to Ace! Ace thought that since the PATRIOT Act started allowing Baby Atkins’ weekly Frog and Toad selections to be monitored, librarians weren’t inclined to risk their tortoise-shell frames disseminating information of any sort. But first, a side note. It was recently announced that […]

Substandards of learning

—Wyclef Pawn A: Well, Wyclef, as we all know, this little old One-Nation-Under-God is doing its damndest to make sure that no Miss Nelson is missing and every little Mohammad and Jesus can “See Spot run.”  And, if you’ve noticed our fresh-off-the-boat Somali Bantu refugees wandering down Preston looking a little dazed and confused, then […]

Chain of demand

—Donna Bummer A: Hate to break it to you Donna, but the old “she’s working hard for the money, so you better treat her right” philosophy just doesn’t cut it on the boardroom floor. Such is the case here.  First, some background. The deal is that during UVA’s home football and basketball games, local nonprofits […]

Statue of limitations

—Pex Sistol A: Mr. Sistol, some things are easier said than done. Take, for example, your illustrious Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark. These bold explorers indeed went where no white man had gone before, but had it not been for the aid of their faithful guide Sacagawea, they wouldn’t have gotten so far (although Ace […]

Winging it

A: Gypsy, to answer your question Ace requests that you put yourself back into the late ’80s, when Madonna was still like a virgin (note that Ace said like a virgin—shiny and new), Alf starred in a TV series rather than TV commercials, and those little buggers known as gypsy moths took over Central Virginia […]

Rag time

A: Thanks, Backinda. How does this, one of the great journalistic sagas of our time, begin? Well, it was a dark and stormy night…  But seriously, the official story credits two skinny kids from that gentlemen’s establishment, Hampden-Sydney College, who had pockets full of lint and heads full of dreams. “Hey,” said Bill Chapman, Charlottesville […]

It’s a Dyke, by George

A: Sad but true, Anne (and not exactly breaking news): Virginia has its issues with gay people. The extent of the discomfort, however, does not reach to renaming towns whose highway exit signs prompt pointing and giggling. In fact, according to the Greene County Administrator’s office, the town of Dyke does not even exist. See, […]

Tough on plaque

A: Hold your horses, Howard. Redesigning history is not part of City Council’s charter, and when one plaque departs another arrives—or so it would appear. Ace took a turn up Court Square way and, after dodging jackhammers and cement rollers, found himself in front of Number Nothing, Court Square. There, a plaque most certainly marks […]

Frequent flyer trials

A: Cry “censorship” if you please, Indie, but it’s the law: No young whippersnappers and their flyers are allowed to put their paw prints all over our city’s sacred utility poles. Maurice Jones, ever civic-minded director of communications for the City, explains the restrictions this way: “A proliferation of flyers throughout the city would take […]

The little Frenchman who could

A:Well, John, take the first clue regarding the personal history of one Claudius Crozet: As we oh-so-continental locals know, “Crozet” is pronounced “Crow-zay” and not “Crow-zette,” indicating a connection to which country? Oui, mes étudiants adorables, vous avez raison! Monsieur Claudius Crozet était francais!  To find out about ol’ Claude, Ace took a trip to […]

Busker’s delight

A: John, take it straight from the Ace’s mouth: Not all are as holy as thou. When it comes to musicians on the Mall, Ace admits there is “a wide variety,” with everything from aging hippies with a penchant for James Taylor to the seventh grade fiddle prodigies. Each appeals to his own special demographic who, […]

In limb-o

A: Michelle, Ace understands your concern. It’s not unusual for us humans to get attached (sometimes unhealthily) to our verdant friends. Consider Julia Butterfly Hill, who lived in her pet redwood, “Luna,” for two years out in California to protest logging. But while Butterfly Hill may have been crusading on the behalf of a 1,000-year-old […]

Motor city

A: If one thing’s clear it’s that you, my dear Pia, have been doing some serious wishful thinking. Not that you’re totally off the mark. The dude in question is David Sloan, a real estate agent with Roy Wheeler Realty. But he sure ain’t just giving the scooters away. To get your hands on those […]

Red, red wine

A: Well, Eubie, first thing Ace wants to say is vitners are farmers, too! Moreover, according to the website www.mountaincovevineyards.com, Weed’s an old hand at the business. He and his wife Emily founded Mountain Cove Vineyards in 1973, and they claim it’s the "oldest continuously operating winery" in the State.     But you’re not wondering […]

Stoned love

A: Ace has to agree: The house to which you refer is certainly striking. Seen on its own, it could be mistaken for the last remaining house on earth after nuclear warfare. But in reality, it is one of two structures that once called the Target construction site home. Wendell Wood, whose United Land Corporation […]

Fuzz at the Food Lion

Q: Ace, the other day I was shopping at the Food Lion on the corner of Fifth and Harris and saw a cop, in full cop attire, apparently on the job but nothing doing. If our police department is sending officers to hang out at Food Lion, when my neighborhood could use an extra patrolling […]

Busted baritone

Q: Ace, I recently read on George Loper’s website that a man named Uriah J. Fields had been asked to leave City Market for singing too loudly. Loper’s website mentioned that this man often sings on other, political “occasions.” Could you offer me a bit more information about the City Market incident, but perhaps more […]

Coffee tawk

Q:Ace, while grabbing a bite to eat at everywhere from Michael’s Bistro to McDonald’s I’ve noticed a paper called Coffee News in distribution bins. It’s not exactly “news” and it’s not exactly about coffee, so what’s the deal? Has it been around long? And what purpose does it serve?—Sugar Ann Milkie A: Sugar Ann, sit […]

Putting greener

Q: Ace: I heard that the Keswick Hall golf course, bastion of the bourgeoisie (and better), was recently lauded for being environmentally sustainable. “Environmental” and “sustainable” are not the first two words that spring to mind when it comes to golf, so Ace me this: How can a golf course be “green” in more ways […]

Space oddity

Q: Ace: When I go to Wal-Mart I try to park as close as possible, as would any good American. But I am kept from doing so due to the number of reserved spaces. For the handicapped and pregnant women, I understand. Wal-Mart, however, also reserves parking spaces for the police. Oh, Ace of all […]

Rover makes it safe at home

Q: Ace: With a serial rapist still on the prowl and some recent intrusions into homes where women were sleeping, our sense of safety is shaken. Can you tell me, did any of these women have dogs, or if dogs even make a difference in situations when it’s Man against Woman and her Beast?—Germanna Shepherd […]

Trash talking

Q: My mind’s a little foggy these days, but if my memory serves me true, I believe that the upscale housing development of Mill Creek out on Avon Street Extended is located on what was once a city dump. With prices soaring for a Mill Creek home, say these poor folks aren’t getting royally duped!—Miss […]

Stumper thumper

Q: Ace, a little bird told me the City recently chopped down the last two trees at Court Square. I understand that Charlottesville aspires to achieve a semblance of metropolitan chic, but does that mean our innocent trees must suffer?—Tré Hugger A: C’est vrai, Monsieur Hugger. A couple weeks ago, as part of the Court […]

Potty pooper

Q: Ace, I just got a parking ticket in the Water Street parking lot because I fed the meter I thought corresponded to my parking space. Turns out, that meter belonged to the Port-a-Potty that occupies the space next the space where I parked! Tell me I’m crazy, but what kind of public restroom needs […]

Cicadas bring in the noise

Q: Hey Ace, I’ve been hearing lately that we’re going to get walloped this summer by this major cicada swarm. Is it true that we’re going to be besieged by insects? And are they dangerous?—Bugsy Malone A: The summer’s bumper cicada crop certainly has people abuzz, Bugsy. But Ace put his ear to the ground […]

Cicadas bring in the house

Q: Hey Ace, I’ve been hearing lately that we’re going to get walloped this summer by this major cicada swarm. Is it true that we’re going to be besieged by insects? And are they dangerous?—Bugsy Malone A: The summer’s bumper cicada crop certainly has people abuzz, Bugsy. But Ace put his ear to the ground […]

The bite club

Q: Ace, tourists come here from all over the globe, and the 48 states, Hawaii and Alaska. Do you suppose there is enough intelligence for those that control/run the Downtown Mall to set the clock to the exact time? It’s been two years!—Father Time A:Yeesh, that’s pretty harsh there, pops—no need to go insulting anyone’s […]