Stretching it

—Pynt Syzed

A: Well, Mr. Syzed, first of all, Ace wants to know what crazy eastern European country you crawled out of, and as for your question, Pynt, “Anatomically correct?” Ace colors at the thought!

 Composure regained, Ace put in a few calls to the friendly folks at Monticello and Montpelier, and confirmed that something with the statues—those of Jefferson, Madison and Monroe at City Hall—is indeed awry. Lee Langston-Harrison, a curator at Montpelier, confirmed that Mr. Madison clocked in between 5’2" and 5’4" and at around 100 pounds, was puny “even for that day and age,” when, as we all know, French doors were the size of today’s doggy doors.

 The illustrious Mr. Jefferson on the other hand, says Monticello research librarian Anna Berkes, was tall for his age at a whopping 6’2.5". As for TJ’s weight, Berkes couldn’t say exactly, but instead quoted some random historical figure who described him as “bony, long and with broad shoulders.” Ace guesses this means skinny.

 Thus, in answer to your question, Pynt: It’s true that the statues of our local heroes outside City Hall do not correctly present Jefferson and Madison as the two men would have appeared signing the Constitution side by side in Philly. Maurice Jones, ever-helpful Director of Communications for the City, offered these oh-so-official words of wisdom regarding why the statues depict the short founding father and the tall one as identically sized: “I believe it could be argued that…each had a monumental impact on the founding of our nation.” MoJo’s so diplomatic we should send him overseas!

 In closing, Ace would just like to say that great minds come in small packages. Mr. Madison is Example A. Ace Atkins, the public may now know, is Example B. As for bleak expressions, they’re statues for chrissake! How would you feel, Pynt, if you were made of stone? Yeesh.

 And then there’s Monroe. What about Monroe? Exactly. What about him, poor guy.