Dear Ace: Why haven’t your devoted readers asked you any questions this week?-Ace
Ace, Recently Ace has become frustrated by the lack of authentic reader questions. This week he was forced to pick his brain to come up with some burning question of his own. Unfortunately Ace is too wise to have his own inquiries and the only burning was below his personal equator. When Ace was forced to resort to the Internet, Yahoo! Answers was the logical place to go. The first question with local relevance was asked a year ago, “How many chickens are permitted within Charlottesville city limits?” (The answer: “Keep as many as u want.”) There were also an inordinate amount of postal questions. Every city in the Union wants to know exactly how long it will take to send a letter to Charlottesville. One of these people (from North Carolina) asked “Does putting more stamps on mail make it travel faster?” The sole answer was “No.”
One young lady wanted to find a local bobtail kitten for her mother. Someone else wanted to know about badminton teams. But non-cat-person, non-athlete Ace also read a few questions of personal interest to himself. “Can someone tell me why I am having a hard time finding Diet Pepsi Max near Charlottesville, Virginia?!” Can someone indeed. That is Ace’s lady friend’s favorite drink. The winning online answer was “Terrorists?” yet Ace knows the right answer is that Pepsi changed the drink’s name to plain Pepsi Max in early 2009. But the beverage is still calorie-free, allowing his lady friend to fill up on expensive dinners instead.
Reading several answers that were more questionable than the questions led Ace to determine that Yahoo! Answers is not frequented by many Charlottesville experts such as himself. “What is the average wind speed in Charlottesville, Virginia?” asked one reader. The only answer? “Well it changes every time.” A woman after Ace’s own heart asked, “Where can I have tasteful boudoir photos taken in Charlottesville, VA (birthday present for hubby)?” Because this is a family paper and Ace doesn’t want to give any more housewives naughty ideas, he took the liberty of responding to the woman personally. You can’t trust just any amateur photographer in this town, and Ace is the only one with leopard-print sheets who actually knows how to work a camera.
You can ask Ace yourself. Intrepid investigative reporter Ace Atkins has been chasing readers’ leads for 20 years. If you have a question for Ace, e-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org.