Lifeguards and physicists wanted

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Looking for a job? Although we’re facing the prospect of an economic recession (just saying the word will make it come to pass, some experts tell us, so our apologies for tanking the economy), the Charlottesville area has the economic cushion provided by UVA, which, it seems, is perpetually hiring.

So not to worry, job seeker. The University’s jobs site is full of opportunities, and we’ve cherry-picked the best jobs just for you.

Do you look fabulous in a bathing suit and don’t mind living on $25,000 a year in Charlottesville? Is there a primo job for you! UVA is looking for lifeguards, 40 hours a week, hourly pay. Just two major requirements: Better be up on your CPR, and your name had better not pop up on the Sexual Offender Registry. After all, you are working semi-naked.

Looking to put that Ph.D. in media studies to good use, but don’t want a job in the media (and who does, when it comes right down to it)? The Department of Media Studies is looking to hire a tenure-track assistant professor. According to the site, the department seeks “candidates who will generate innovative and interdisciplinary scholarship in global or comparative media.” If you know what that means, you’re well on your way to landing the job!

Or if you want a more hands-on approach to the media, specifically the local variety, why not apply for the Director of Media Relations position? You’ll be overseeing a staff of nine, alternately pushing good news and stonewalling bad. The ability to multitask is a must.

If all of this sounds like too much commitment, and you really just need some money to support your songwriting/sonnet writing/Guitar Hero addiction, then this is the job for you: Temporary Telephone Interviewer. It pays $10.14 to $19.81 an hour, and all it requires is “a clear voice, pleasant telephone manner and ability to fluently read an interview script aloud from a computer screen.” Which, as we all know, is employer-speak for, “Just please don’t come to work high.”

And finally, on the other end of the UVA job spectrum, is the opening for an Assistant Professor of Physics—Experimental. It involves work in the “CMS experiment at the Large Hadron Collider and in the NOVA neutrino experiment at Fermilab.” Now, we don’t know exactly what this is, but it if you repeat these words 10 times very quickly, it starts to sound suspiciously like “Department of Defense.” At least that’s what our friend the Temporary Telephone Interviewer said.

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