Bill Bolling makes his move

Is it just us, or does it seem that the entire four years of Bob McDonnell’s governorship has somehow elapsed during his first four months in office? 

The governor’s post-election honeymoon period lasted about two weeks, culminating in his faux-presidential State of the Union rebuttal delivered from the well of the House of Delegates. Then there was the serious governing phase, during which he wrestled with huge budget deficits and proved he could work constructively with the majority Democrats in the senate. Then there was an embarrassing series of gaffes and missteps, in which McDonnell first backed a few misguided policies (opposing anti-discrimination rules for gays and lesbians in state universities, designating April “Confederate History Month” without mentioning slavery, demanding that ex-felons write an essay to “earn” the right to vote), only to backtrack so quickly and completely that he started to resemble some sort of hapless, bewildered Governor Urkel. (“Did I do that?”)

Finally, there was his lame duck phase, where he was completely overshadowed by hard-charging, spotlight-seeking Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, and crowded from below by his Lieutenant Governor Bill Bolling, who quietly formed a campaign committee to help him step into his boss’s executive loafers the second they become available. Hey, it was great knowing you, Governor McDonnell—don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

Now all we have to do is figure out who the hell this Bolling guy is. Sure, his name sounds familiar, but every time we try to picture his face, all we get is that creepy Rorschach dude from the Watchmen movie.

Oh well—whoever he is, he better be prepared for one righteous battle, because there’s no way Cuccinelli is giving this thing up without a fight.

In fact, we can only assume that’s why Bolling is signaling his electoral intentions so early: He’s sick of Cuccinelli sucking up all of the available oxygen, and wants to make sure that people know that he’s still alive. And look, his work I.D. already has the word “Governor” on it!

Of course, it’s going to take more than a measly campaign committee to neuter the Cooch—this guy’s like the Terminator! In the past few weeks, he’s filed suit against the EPA, attended a Richmond Tea Party demonstration, spoken at a gun rights rally and something called “The Awakening 2010” (alongside faith healer Cindy Jacobs and self-proclaimed “Christocrat” Rick Scarborough), while apparently still finding time to perform a surprisingly kick-ass karaoke version of “Rapper’s Delight” at a BBQ joint in Roanoke.

During the same period, once and future gubernatorial candidate Terry McAuliffe discussed jobs and energy policy at a Democratic Women’s breakfast in Winchester and mounted an ad-hoc trade mission to Cuba, where he reportedly persuaded those dastardly Communists to import more Virginia poultry, apples, soybeans and wine.

And where was Bolling during this bipartisan frenzy of activity? Why, grounded by volcano dust in Italy, where he had been attending an “economic development conference” with his wife.

Not the most auspicious start, my friend. You’d better up your game, and quick—we’re pretty sure that McDonnell’s term ends next Tuesday. 

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