Thursday 9pm, Fox
This show takes the giant spinning chairs and blind audition aspects from that similarly named NBC hit, but instead of people singing their hearts out, it’s a bunch of desperate girls trying to convince D-list celebrities to like them. Each episode will feature four male “celebrities” whittling down a crowd of women based on a series of questions. If the men like what they hear, they pull their “love handles” (help us, Darva Conger). After several rounds each gentlemen ends up with one girl to take out on a date. Among the bachelors are erstwhile Superman Dean Cain, teen heartthrob Joe Jonas, model Tyson Beckford, “American Idol” Season 5 winner Taylor Hicks (where’s your Soul Patrol now, ass?), and a bunch of athletes I don’t know. Cat Deeley somehow got roped into hosting this mess. And yes, I’ll be watching.
“Jersey Shore Shark Attack”
Saturday 9pm, Syfy
The impending motherhood of “Jersey Shore” star Snooki has signaled that the “Jersey” juggernaut is about to crumble. So now’s a good time to mock the living hell out of that awful armpit of popular culture with one of Syfy’s awesomely bad original films. The plot of “Jersey Shore Shark Attack” is self-explanatory—it’s a bunch of juiceheads and hot-dog-colored bimbos getting mauled by terribly CGI’d sharks. But what makes this film remarkable are the actors. Paul Sorvino from Goodfellas, Tony Sirico (Paulie G. on “The Sopranos”), and William Atherton (the ginger douchebag in both Ghostbusters and Real Genius) are featured players, with cameos by actual “Shore” cast member Vinny and NSync’er Joey Fatone, playing himself, getting eaten by a shark.
Sunday 9pm, HBO
Last season “True Blood” sucked, with the exception of the balls-out finale that killed off four characters while bringing in three potential threats. To recap, those are crazed 3,000-year-old vamp Russell Edgington, who was buried in concrete at the end of Season 3 and who is now back and majorly pissed off at our heroine, Sookie Stackhouse; vampire-hating pastor Steve Newlin, who since Season 2 has apparently become a bloodsucker himself; and poor Terry Bellefleur’s former Army buddy, who is obviously up to no good. On top of that, this season we’ll also get another slice of prime beefcake in the form of “Law & Order: SVU”’s Christopher Meloni, playing the very powerful head of the American Vampire League. More proof that, even when the stories are bad, the male nudity on this show is primo.