I’ve been thinking a lot about weddings and marriage recently. This is mostly because as a husband I’m required to say that I’m pondering my marriage (in a good way, “Hi honey!”) at least once a month, but also because I attended a friend’s wedding at Pippin Hill last weekend. Also, “The Bachelorette” just returned for its ninth season. My wife likes that show, and so occasionally, when I can stomach it, I sit with her and we mock everything about it.
This season of “The Bachelorette” features Desiree Hartsock. Hartsock was bounced by “The Bachelor”’s Sean Lowe, but apparently didn’t take the hint that maybe reality TV isn’t the best place to find someone you care about. And so Hartsock is at it again. Ready to find Mr. Right among a slew of Mr. Wrongs, in a setting that couldn’t be further from reality. Of course that’s what people love about “The Bachelorette” and the original “The Bachelor.” These shows are nothing like what meeting someone, dating them, and then marrying them is like in real life. No one would watch a real reality show. And that brings me to this week’s list.
What “The Bachelorette” Would Look Like if Realistic and Set in C’ville:
Less is more. Each date on “The Bachelorette” is insanely amazing. There are helicopter rides, private concerts and rock climbing. In the C’ville version, Desiree would find herself at Tavola so often she’d get sick of it, and the guy who brings her to The Melting Pot would get cut halfway through the meal.
Corner grouping. The group dates are the best, in terms of awkward moments. Throw a collection of guys together who were handpicked to be on the show because of how weird they are, and good things happen. I’d like to see all group dates take place on The Corner, because there’s no shot the guys make it through a night at Trinity without trying to impress Desiree with their dancing. Everyone wins when guys try to dance. Aside from the guy dancing.
Dressed down. When the men first meet Desiree, they’re all decked out in the finest clothes. But this isn’t what they really dress like. In the C’ville “Bachelorette,” 22 out of the 25 men would be wearing a fleece jacket. The other three would be wearing something from Patagonia.
Rosey way. The rose ceremony, where we get the chance to watch the men get cut from the show, would likely take place on the Downtown Mall. The only obstacle to this is avoiding the Clapping Man, that guy who walks around Downtown endlessly clapping and chanting. Actually, if there’s a way he could be the next Bachelor, I’m setting my DVR right now.
Get to it. Each season, “The Bachelorette” gets to invite the final guys to the “Fantasy Suite.” This is Desiree’s chance to do the horizontal (not always!) hokey pokey in a pre-approved, sexy sex lair. I’m thinking maybe the Omni, but depending on how deep Desiree’s pockets are, they could just end up behind Waffle House.