Forcible Facebook

The Facebook event invite can be a scary thing.

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Forcible Facebook

The day starts normally. You get into the office and grab a water from the fridge. Before closing the door, you notice that Lisa has (once again) brought Lunchables. You curse her under your breath because you’re envious of the vacuum-sealed deli meat treat (accompanied by Capri Sun). As you walk to your desk, you make a mental note to talk about Lisa behind her back. Once you’re settled in, you do some work. After 11 minutes you’ve earned a break. You direct your browser to Facebook and notice that you’ve been invited to an event. That’s when the panic sets in.

The Facebook event invite is a complex thing. For some, it’s no big deal. Others, like myself, inject a great deal of emotion into the process. I wasn’t always like this. Before moving to Charlottesville a year ago, my wife and I lived in Brooklyn for seven years. I disregarded invites with the best of them.

However, living in C’ville has changed the way I treat the digital invitations. I have to. I run into someone I know about once every 17 seconds. There they are! Being nice! This means I must be nice, too. And so I now take the Facebook invite seriously. If I reply that I’m not going or simply ignore the invite altogether, I’ll see that person the next day and yes, they’ll say “hi” and smile because people are friendly here. But rightfully so, they’ll judge me later.

Now you’re probably thinking, “This guy has too much time on his hands, but he sure is handsome” and maybe “What do my Facebook replies say about me?” This week’s list will help.

What Your Facebook Event Invite Reply and Subsequent Action Says About You:

A going reply, and you attend. Congrats. You’re a great person. Your friends can depend on you. You’re basically the best. You’re 1984 Ralph Macchio.

A going reply, and you don’t attend. You’re unreliable and people aren’t sure what to make of you. You own Maroon 5’s acoustic album and voted for George W. Bush. Twice.

A maybe reply, and you attend. You’re honest. You deal with life as it comes, and aren’t afraid to say exactly how you feel. You’ve visited the Grand Canyon, but weren’t that impressed with it.

A maybe reply, and you don’t attend. You sometimes struggle with commitments and often stretch yourself too thin. You miss going to Blockbuster.

A no reply, and you don’t attend. You’re an introvert and feel overwhelmed by crowds. You tell people you liked “The Wonder Years” even though you didn’t.

A no reply, and you attend. You’re an easy person to get along with, but slightly mysterious. If you murdered someone, your friend would tell NBC29 that the charges “sound about right.”

You ignore the invite. You frustrate people. You wear True Religion jeans.

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