You know, it seems like we’ve been waiting forever for Virginia’s U.S. Senate race to get interesting. We were initially overjoyed when former congressman-turned-governor-turned-laughingstock George Allen decided to run for his old Senate seat. After all, based on his bumbling hijinks in 2008 (when he torpedoed his entire campaign by lobbing an obscure racial slur at a video tracker), a battle between Allen and Democratic candidate Tim Kaine should have theoretically provided a wealth of comedy. And once Tea Party firebrand Jamie Radtke jumped in, promising to pressure Allen from the right, we were definitely licking our chops in anticipation.
Prince William County Delegate Bob Marshall says he can beat Tim Kaine. What do you think? (Press photo)
And then…nothing. Sure, there was a single, somewhat testy debate, but other than that the contest has been duller than a Romney family reunion. Radtke has been hobbled by intense voter disinterest, the polls haven’t budged for months, and Allen has been trying so assiduously not to say anything stupid that it almost verges on self-parody. The most recent example of this came when Allen published a feel-good Martin Luther King Day editorial in the Washington Post, but failed to mention that he spent his entire career as a state legislator opposing the very idea of a MLK holiday.
But just when we were about to give up all hope, something miraculous happened: Prince William County Delegate Bob Marshall suddenly entered the fray, firmly declaring “I can beat Tim Kaine.” Why is this so exciting, you ask? Well, instead of providing a long, boring description of the myriad ways that a Marshall candidacy might affect the dynamics of the race, why don’t we just list some of Bob’s most impressive pearls of wisdom?
On birth control pills: “They don’t prevent ovulation and conception; they prevent implantation, which is abortion.”
On the morning-after pill: “We have no business passing this garbage out and making these co-eds chemical Love Canals for these frat house playboys in Virginia.”
On rape: “The woman becomes a sin-bearer of the crime, because the right of a child predominates over the embarrassment of the woman.”
On the economic stimulus bill: “It is as much a chain as ankle bracelets were to African-Americans in the 1860s in this state. It’s just invisible. But it is a chain of death that we’re not going to escape.”
On Barack Obama, via Twitter: “Suicidal deficits, enemies lists, abortion, euthanize seniors, health care that kills capitalism…‘Live and let die,’ Obama theme song!”
See what we’re saying? This guy is a veritable font of craziness, and his delusional candidacy is exactly the shot in the arm this race needs. If we were Tim Kaine, we’d be doing everything in our power to make sure that Marshall is included in every debate between now and election day. And what the hell, bring along Radtke for good measure. The more the merrier, we say!
And, who knows? Maybe being in close proximity to so much insanity might goad Allen into saying what he really thinks, and we’ll finally be treated to the long-awaited return of “Macaca” Mouth.
Unlikely, we know. But hey, anything would be better than the snoozefest we’ve endured up to now.