The bong show

The bong show

One of the best things about using drugs is how it broadens your cultural horizons. As C-VILLE’s Drug Correspondent, I feel proud to have purchased drugs in many far-flung, sketchy places from all sorts of wretched individuals. How can I forget the sticky paranoia of Mexican beaches, the murderous nights in San Francisco’s Tenderloin? Kokie’s, the neighborhood cocaine bar in Williamsburg, New York, or that little coffee shop in the mountains of North Carolina, where if you knew who to ask, you could get extra-special brownies? Aaaahh, memories.

But I left Charlottesville before those wild days began, and I returned after they were basically over, so when it comes to my hometown, I am at a loss as to where to get the good shit. Oh sure, I’ve wandered through Belmont at 3am on a wild goose chase for quality opiates, led by two rednecks named Sludge and Peanut, only to have a bunch of Xanax thrust in my face. But hey, who hasn’t?

Sadly, I no longer know “the guy” and have forgotten the secret knock.

That’s why I was relying on you, the Readers, to give me the straight dope. I eagerly awaited the results of one particular question on the Best Of survey, jaw clenching and pupils pinning in anticipation.

What, in Charlottesville, is the Best Place to Buy Drugs?

How you have disappointed me. CVS?!?! Seriously? YOU ARE SO LAME! I am a professional journalist, not a 16-year-old. I have no interest in drinking a bottle of Robitussin in order to become one with the couch. I can just smoke Salvia for that. At least it’s illegal!

But maybe you know something I don’t. Maybe I should trust you. Maybe I should go all Drugstore Cowboy on CVS’ ass. After all, you should know, right? Vox populi? The strength of street knowledge?

Well, let me give you a tip, the one place in town where I know you can find some good drugs. Just call this number: 434-970-3376. Ask for Sgt. Stadanko. Tell him Dr. Benway sent you.