The best of Ken Cuccinelli

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 Well, look who’s in the news again. Never one to let a week go by without controversy, last week our indomitable Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli went for a bit of a two-fer. First, his office issued an opinion stating that Virginia’s police and conservation officers “may, like Arizona police officers, inquire into the immigration status of persons stopped or arrested.” Following the ensuing (and completely predictable) uproar, the Cooch went into aw-shucks mode, expressing bewilderment that anyone might find the ruling controversial, and insisting (on Fox News, natch) that “this is pretty ordinary.”

 

And then, of course, there’s the recent news that Virginia District Court Judge Henry Hudson has decided to allow our AG’s lawsuit against Barack Obama’s new healthcare law to proceed. (The fact that Hudson owns stock in Campaign Solutions Inc., a Republican communications firm that has, according to the Huffington Post, done work for Cuccinelli, is just delicious icing atop the controversy cake.)

With all of this in mind, we simply couldn’t help but take a trip down memory lane, and revisit the high points (or are they low ebbs?) of the Cooch’s time in office. So we hereby present the man, the myth, the legend—the multiple-choice quiz:

 

1) During his stint in Virginia’s senate, Cuccinelli introduced a number of bills that, for some crazy reason, did not become laws. Which of the following was not sponsored by Cuccinelli?

a) A law requiring that doctors retain fetal tissue when performing an abortion on anyone under 16, in order to identify the father

b) A law allowing employers to refuse unemployment benefits to anyone who does not speak English in the workplace

c) A law requiring that anyone reporting a sexual assault submit to both breathalyzer and blood tests

d) A law allowing divorce “for sodomy or buggery committed outside the marriage,” but disallowing it for any couple with minor children if either spouse objects

 

2) During his campaign for AG, Cuccinelli said that he might refuse a Social Security number for his seventh child for what reason?

a) “Because numerology is the work of the devil.”

b) “Because it is being used to track you.”

c) “Because my great-grandpappy didn’t have one—and he lived to be 96!”

d) “Because the whole damn thing is going bankrupt in 10 years.”

 

3) Two weeks after taking office, newly installed AG Cuccinelli raised eyebrows for doing what?

a) Commissioning a large, airbrushed Star Wars mural for his office wall

b) Refusing to hire anyone who had a Social Security number

c) Instituting “pantsless Fridays”

d) Appearing as a private attorney to try a case in Fairfax’s juvenile court

 

4) In February’s online “Cuccinelli Compass,” written during “Snowmageddon,” what did the Cooch claim he saw out his window?

a) “30+ inches of global warming”

b) “Three frozen protestors and a taco truck”

c) “Bill Bolling shoveling the driveway”

d) “Snow. Beautiful, pristine, God-given snow.”

 

5) What was conspicuously different about the goddess Virtus on the Virginia Seal pins Cuccinelli distributed to his staff?

a) Her left breast was covered

b) Her phallus-like sword had been replaced with a baguette

c) Blood was dripping from her barely concealed fangs

d) Her face had been replaced in Photoshop with Cuccinelli’s

 

6) A prominent Virginia politician was found to have accepted $55,000 in contributions from a con artist, and was refusing divest himself of the tainted cash. What did Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli do about it?

a) Held a press conference and say that he would launch an investigation if the money wasn’t immediately donated to charity

b) Joined a multi-state collaborative effort to track down and prosecute the con man

c) Donated $55,000 of his own money to charity to shame the offender

d) Didn’t investigate, stalled for six weeks, and then grudgingly promised to donate the money to veterans’ charities. Because, you know, it’s him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answers: 1-C, 2-B, 3-D, 4-A, 5-A, 6-D

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