Pull up a chair


“The View”
Tuesday 11am, ABC
Damn you, Barbara Walters! You had a Perfect Storm of bitchery brewing for this 10th season of your daytime estrofest, as former Queen of Nice (current Queen of Insanity) Rosie O’Donnell pulls up a chair to replace “Today”-bound Meredith Viera. And by allowing (facilitating?) the early departure of Star Jones, you threw it all away. Threw it away! Can you imagine the catfights that would have erupted every time Jones opened her trap about how much sex she’s having? Since Rosie finally came out of the closet she doesn’t hold her tongue (O.K., I just thought of something really crude, but I’ll spare you the image). She’d undoubtedly have verbally beaten the pompous windbag into submission—and possibly thrown in a couple of whacks for good measure. Ah, what could have been. Well, at least we got to witness Star’s on-air implosion, and your subsequent condemnation of her silly ass, which was pretty awesome in and of itself. So I guess we’re square after all, Babs.

“CBS Evening News with Katie Couric”
Tuesday 6:30pm, CBS
The next era in TV news begins tonight, as the chipper former “Today” skipper jumps over to the big desk at the Eye network. It’s a smart move for Couric—I mean, how many times can you interview Gwyneth Paltrow about her awful new movie without wanting to hang yourself? But girlfriend’s gonna have to work to change her image. People don’t want perky when they turn on the evening news. They want authoritative and stern, someone strong who can break down the scary-ass shit happening in the world into slightly-less-horrifying chunks. And Couric does have the tools —she can be quite the inquisitor in interviews. It’s just going to take a little while before I can forget about that time we all got up close and personal with her colon, or the image of her chatting up J.K. Rowling while wearing a giant witch hat. Yeah. Girlfriend’s gonna have to work.

Tuesday 10pm, F/X
Some pretty crazy rumors are swirling about this fourth season of F/X’s delightfully over-the-top plastic surgery drama. I’m hearing unconfirmed reports that one of the leads gets offed permanently, and that the two stars—Julian McMahon and Dylan Walsh—start to look at each other as partners in every sense of the word. What is known for sure is that supporting actress Roma Maffia gets some more air time this year as she finds herself a cute young girlfriend, and celeb guest stars this go-round include Brooke Shields, Larry Hagman, Sanaa Lathan, and Kathleen Turner (baby, it’s been too long!). Also, Rosie O’Donnell will pop in for a multiepisode arc. I’m betting Star Jones will skip those episodes.—Eric Rezsnyak