I know you are, but what am I?


“Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump”

Tuesday 10:30pm, Comedy Central
The worst-coiffed man in America is still somehow culturally relevant—and a hell of a lot wealthier than you or me—so he must be doing something right. Among the people roasting the perhaps future Virginia vintner will be comedians Whitney Cummings, Jeffrey Ross and Lisa Lampanelli, current “Celebrity Apprentice” candidate Marlee Matlin (what about Season 2 winner, comedy legend Joan Rivers?), Larry King, Snoop Dogg, and, to pull in the teen/Neanderthal viewership, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from “Jersey Shore.” Seth MacFarlane (“Family Guy”) serves as roast master.

“The Pee-wee Herman Show”

Saturday 10pm, HBO
Although performance artist Paul Reubens is a controversial figure, his greatest creation, Pee-wee Herman, will go down in history as one of pop culture’s most creative characters. How can you even try to encapsulate the whimsy and weirdness of his “Pee-wee’s Playhouse” children’s show that ran in the ’80s? Last year Reubens brought Pee-wee and friends back for limited theater engagements in both L.A. and on Broadway, where HBO taped this special. The set is almost an exact replica of the Playhouse, and all of your favorites are back: Chairy, Jambi, Conky, handsy Miss Yvonne (played by the original actress!), and Cowboy Curtis (sadly not Laurence Fishburne), plus some new characters, including a dancing mute bear. How will he scream when someone says the word of the day?!

“Dancing with the Stars”

Monday 8pm, ABC
The story behind the 12th season of the reality-dance competition isn’t who is on the cast, but who the producers couldn’t get. Self-destructive movie star Lindsay Lohan has been on the wish list for seasons, but again passed it up (apparently her schedule is too full of nothing and court dates; stupid move, Linds, because Charlie Sheen just jacked your seed). And Christine O’Donnell, the controversial Tea Party candidate from Delaware, was also reportedly asked to fill the Bristol Palin Memorial Right-Wing Nutjob spot, but declined. So instead we’re stuck with a lackluster bunch that includes boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard, wrestler Chris Jericho, Playboy model and tabloid fixture Kendra Wilkinson, original “Karate Kid” Ralph Macchio, talk-show host and wig fan Wendy Williams, and the one bright light in a sea of boring, Kirstie Alley, who is somehow 60 years old.