Big fun


“America’s Got Talent”
Tuesday-Wednesday 9pm, NBC

I’m not convinced that title is accurate. Now in its fourth season, the show would like you to believe it can produce a national sensation, like its across-the-pond sibling did with Susan Boyle. The best we’re likely to get is the second coming of Boy Shakira. All manner of talented/delusional people will take to the stage, performing everything from singing and dancing to contortionism and fire-spitting. Taking over for Jerry Springer on emcee duties will be Nick Cannon, the entertainer/comedian now best known for being Mr. Mariah Carey. The judging panel remains the same, with Sharon Osbourne (love her), David Hasselhoff (makes me sad), and Piers Morgan (recently appeared shirtless in commercials hocking Burger King’s new meat-scented cologne, I shit you not).

Sunday 10pm, HBO

“Hung” is HBO’s latest stab at comedy, and features a premise similar to the recent “Eastbound and Down”—a sad-sack high-school coach trying to find some meaning in his life. For Ray Drecker (Thomas Jane, yum), that comes in the form of his gigantic penis. After losing his family to divorce (his ex-wife is played by Celestia herself, Anne Heche) and his home to fire, he tries to make things work by peddling his massive member around town. Seeing whether or not he can make tricks more than just for kids inspires plenty of darkly comic moments. And hopefully some raunchy sex.

“Dance Your Ass Off”
Monday 10pm, Oxygen

One part “So You Think You Can Dance,” one part “Biggest Loser,” this new dance competition features 12 contestants that weigh in at nearly 3,000 pounds collectively put through complicated choreography to see who can lose the most weight and win a $100,000 prize. Goofy? God yes. But it’s actually also kind of brilliant, since dancing is entertaining to watch and great exercise, as exemplified by host Marissa Jaret Winokour, the formerly zaftig star of Hairspray on Broadway who lost a ton of weight while competing on “Dancing With The Stars” a few seasons back. The finalists range from experienced dancers to chunksters who just like to shake their ample junk at the clubs. The judges’ scores from their routines will be added to their weekly weight loss totals to determine who stays and goes. Based on early footage I’m pulling for adorable b-girl Pinky.